OMG it's GOT... See the astrolabe, the clockwork towns, the map... Then a direwolf howling...flyover...snow. The wall...
Oh no, Jon Snow...say it isn't so. Dead! Right through the non-ratings period. The beautiful, evil witch might help. Here she comes. She saw him in the flames. But there's anger in tha crew of treasonous leaders who never disobeyed orders. Snow let the wildlings through the gates; he forced their treason. Who can help? Who???
Cut. We've been concerned about other characters too ya know. People were scared of my Lord the crazy sadist when he was 11, he says. This is believable. He mourns touchingly for good meat before feeding it to the hounds. A reminder that he's married to the ranga princess but that she's gone walkabout. Cut to said ranga running in the snow. Oh no. A river. We can't go over it, we can't go around it, we've got to go through it. Good thing she has a friend who's part sausage meat, and attractive to dogs. But oh no they find her any way. But oh yes! It's Sir Brianne, a bloody woman, a bloody big woman, ready to save the day. Squeaky white snow, clashing silver swords, red. Turns out sausage meat friend had grown a pair. Brianne saves the day even without a pair. I love Sansa's braid, her hair generally.
Speaking of hair, what Cersai's grown is a Judi Dench style bob, like my Mum's, only my Mum tends to keep her clothes on and doesn't even have a brother. Cersai cries to see hers. She loves him, and the connection to mothers must mean something. They talk about their mother's rotting corpse. Man, Jamie is hot. Get over your sister, freak. They want to f@#k (soz, I've got students. Hi kids!) prophecy or anyone who isn't them but that's kind of the opposite of their problem innit. Anyone who isn't them would be a lot more appropriate. Get over your sister, hot freak. Meanwhile that girl who was Bad Queen Anne Boleyn in The Tudors is still in prison. At least this time they've let her keep her head on. Well, so far. Bad Queen is hot too, but grubby and could prolly do with a bath. Enter priest, also grubby, suggesting confession and conspicuously not bringing any wet wipes.
Garden scene, reminder that the beautiful people here swing both ways. Gaydar not required. Everyone in this place is strong and clean and hot, natch, and there's running water!! But sadly it turns out bathing isn't everything and this isn't a great place to be, if you don't want to be stabbed. Strong woman whose name I forget murders a guy who's been a bit rapey. Gets no blood on her blue dress. Woohoo.
Fetish scene next, smart boy gets to choose between two hot murderers. Chooses badly, probably doesn't really care TBH. I wonder if he sees the blade coming through his face.
Oooh! It's Tyrrion who walks, we’re told, like a rich person. He walks like a rich person while reminding us his companion is a eunuch and trying to buy a baby. Oops. Not trying to buy a baby. I forgot he was a hero now. Problem here is everywhere you go someone wants to kill you, says Tyrrion, apparently only now noticing what show he's on.
Two dudes on horses, green grass, lots of rocks. Naturally they talk about lerve. Isn't that what all blokes do? I think I want to go to where ever they are. Not so much for the Dothraki but I like that pearl ring that seems to grow in the grass.
Oh noes! Speaking of Dothraki, they have Danaerys and say rude things about her. Where are a girl's dragons when she really needs them? She's better at keeping her clothes on than she used to be, even though they're dirty, I guess it's a developing talent.
Arya next. Blind!! Grubby. Someone picks a fight with her. Seems cruel. Maybe it's training. She looks like she'd be better off being offered some Visine.
Back to the wall. They should surrender but fear slaughter. The red won. They don't mean the ranga princess, currently forgotten. They mean the witch in the red dress, who takes off said red dress to look into a blurry mirror. Maybe she needs dragons to teach her how to keep her clothes on.
She's not perky after all! Maybe she's in the wrong show? She's old and balding everywhere once she takes off her necklace. I'm not sure why. Love, take it from me even if I'm not a dragon. I would sleep with that necklace on.